Thursday, April 24, 2008

Mom, Mother, Mommy, Mama

I have been really diving into blogs this week and getting to know others out there that I can connect with. I am Mama to two beautiful little boys now and love them so much. The more time I get away to myself for a couple hours at a time the more it seems I love them. But there is another story I want to briefly tell because I discovered that I am not the only one out there that has felt like this and it might be a consolation to another Mama that has struggled the same way and desires to know that she is worthy to be called Mama, Mom, Mother, or mommy anyway.

I got pregnant right away and my husband and I wanted to wait 3-5 years before having children. we wanted to be together and travel and have those sweet intimate moments at the cafe' in town and those relaxing sunday afternoons together and learn how to be 'married'. Instead we were pregnant and both very upset about it and I was working full time and exhausted to the point I would sleep my whole evening away continuously. I was retaining water and self concious (sorry that word isn't looking right to me but oh well) about the weight gain (since it has always been a battle for me). We finally after some very frustrating talks between the two of us, started to get a little excited by around 6months of pregnancy. Our dear precious baby boy was born and I had suffered a lot of trauma in my delivery and ended with a c-section after about 28 or so hours of labor without an ephidural! yah you can say it, "phsyco". I know, but I was fearful of all things unknown. I brought this beautiful baby home and he had severe colic, and I couldn't figure out how to breast feed right, and I'm the Mama and I can't get my own baby to stop screaming. I spent my first christmas dinner with my inlaws when he was 3 weeks old and I was in a bedroom all day bouncing him and getting pity looks to the point where I felt like I am not a fit mother. Are you surprised post-partum sunk in? It was serious, and I was so embarrassed because my mom talked to me about it before I gave birth, and it happened anyway. I hid it from my new husband of 9 1/2 months, I didn't want him to think he married someone weak that couldn't even take care of his baby. DW (my hubby) would kiss me good bye in the morning when he'dleave for work and before he was out the door I was silently sobbing, wondering "how am I going to get through this day?". After a few months I started expressing myself hoping for a solution. DW was so understanding and never pointed fingers, he showed me love and understanding unconditionally.
Being a mother has been the hardest thing i've ever done, but also the relationship with big Mister now is the most rewarding. He helped me grow and taught me far more than I can put into words.

I ran into several blogs that really brought to the surface the raw emotions I still have in becoming a new mother. The selfishness within me is what I struggle with in forgiving myself. I was given the following link on grace and it touched me very much. So if you feel like your not the mother you ought to be more than likely your child doen't feel that way. Read this article, I'm sure it will help.

Hope this is of help and not just a rambling on.


Elizabeth...mommy...etc said...

I was so fortunate to not have PPD...I cried when our hospital company left and we were alone in the evening and I cried when I saw my "belly butter" b/c I was afraid I'd never have the opportunity to be pregnant again. I also cried about feeling distant from my husband when he felt so intimately close to me and was so confused!? I cried when my mother-in-law kept insisting that Tulip looked like Esquire when I knew she looked like me...granted, she definitely resembles us both but my MIL was laying it on thick as if I might wonder if Tulip was my child AT ALL! It was a bit emotional for me with that. But I was truly blessed not to deal with more than just some blues.

When big mister was born my mom called me and I cried then...i cried b/c I wished beyond wishes that I could've been there for you and with you...but i was there in spirit!!!!


Elizabeth...mommy...etc said...

check out this blog about ppd:

it is unbelievable...


Wendi said...

Thanks for sharing so openly! I too have been surfing through many blogs and have loved to see in so many areas that I am not the only one to feel a certain way. Sometimes we want to hide our true feelings for fear that every one would leave us or look down on us if they knew our authentic thoughts and feelings. It's HARD for me, but I am learning that openness and honesty acually draws pepole in. If it doesn't, they aren't true friends, right? :)
Being a mommy is definitely the most challenging thing I have ever been through...and I never knew my heart had the capacitiy to love so much!

Beth said...

I have often talked to new moms about this topic. Women often put on a everything is great face and then go home and cry. So before we are mothers that is all we see, everything rosey.I also had PPD after my son was born. I also had a very tramatic birth experience that ended in a C-section. I was very sick after. I felt guilty for a long tome because I was so consumed with my health I felt I was an awful mother. No books can ever prepare your for what you go through. i was lucky to have a great support base. I also ended up going on medication which was a great help.

Irritable Mother said...

Thanks for sharing so freely, Christina. We need each other and we need to know we aren't alone in the journey or the struggle!