Monday, June 23, 2008

A mother's love.

I am going to have a "Being real" moment. I just can't seem to get back to my normal self since we have come home the hospital. I just feel this gloomy cloud hanging over me and I'm having a hard time telling it to go away and relax.
I have a lot of guilt even tho I know I wouldn't have changed a thing about the decisions I have made. We, as mothers love our children so much and we want to protect, love and nurture them. I have had so many people ask "Didn't you get the vaccine for the chicken pox?" No, No, and No! I wouldn't change this decision now more than ever since I am very pro-life and that vaccine as well as another common one is made from abborted fetuses (babies), but I also know for the most part that chicken pox is harmless as far as lasting effects to the child same as what the flu would be. Why all the drama and guilt? Well it appears that little Mister's big infection is from a pox spot getting very infected and causing lots of trauma for his little body. Now, an average child could most likely have fought this but little Mister's body at this point can't. I have been in a mode since wednsday night to try and tell myself that even tho he is crying and desparately wanting me and his daddy to rescue him from all the blue gloved folks with sharp things, that this is going to tell us what is wrong and he will get better because of this. It is now, that I am home I can't forget his little cries and sad faces and I can almost feel his pain and trauma. I am so grateful that I don't have a child that has to be hospitalized for cancer and have many surgical procedures done. I can only see a glimpse of what those parents must feel.
Then on the other side of all this I feel so heartbroken for my Big Mister. He is so tender hearted and knew that baby brother was sick and he would say his sweet little prayers for Little Mister to get better, but he was hurting too and he couldn't understand why Mommy and Daddy were gone for so long. He was with his cousins and my sister where he loves to be, but he still hurt and tried to hide his pain. I went to see him on the second day for a couple hours and I came bearing gifts, but he was still so upset with me, I knew he couldn't help it but I wanted to help him and he wouldn't let me.
I am sure I am not the only mother in the world who loves her children, and I know many would say that I should not feel guilty and I shouldn't take it personally at how Big Mister responded to us then, and when we got back (it wasn't good). But we do anyway!
I know that God is always there and he has a plan, I will start my week out knowing this and to shower healthy attention onto both of my boy's. My week is promising to be very busy and I know my area of weakness, which tends to be too focused on my to-do list instead of telling it to sit tight from time to time.

In answer to what is behind the infection in a nutshell; one of his pox on the side of his head became infected. With what, or how we have no answer yet. I will find out some more results from his labs in the next day or so. The seemingly most important information at this point is from the labs done to find out more about his immune system. If he has a component missing from his defense system than even the simplest cold will knock his immune system even more and then food allergies even more and the the bacteria's and viruses just keep stacking against his body to where we can't get ahead. In which if that is the case it isn't one particular condition that he has had it is several separate issues and we need to be extra cautious about treating the smallest thing immediately instead of thinking his body will work it out like it does for the average person.

I appreciate all of your genuine concerns and well wishes, Thank You.
I hope everyone has a great Monday and God Bless, Christina


BrandyB said...

So glad your baby is home and doing better. I noticed you're blogging at 2am. You probably just need some good rest and good food to get you feeling back to normal. It is hard to listen to someone tell you not to feel a certain way. Just know you ARE a good mother and trust in your instinct and God. My prayers are with you!

Hugs, B

Elizabeth said...

guilt is a mother's middle name at different times, i'm learning...and we all need to learn that if we truly believe we are making the right decisions for our children we should not carry aruond that guilt. it is NOT easy. i know it's not the same at all...but i still deal with guilt over doing assisted crying-it-out when she was 10 mos old b/c she had decided to stop sleeping aruond 8 mos old. it was the most difficult decision i'd made for her up to that pt and when i still think back to that time...i tell myself, i shouldnt' feel guilty and God has helped me move past it. i have also NOT gotten teh chick pox vax and WILL NOT be getting it.

YOU made the right decision with Little Mister with that vax...absolutely! in the long run you have not purposely exposed his body to a virus and you were a good mother through his natural exposure and progression. if he had gotten the vax my doc said that they can still get it anyway and even the vax can cause he might have gotten the infection anyway. DON'T let other mom's make you feel guilty that you dont' live up tot heir vax are not supposed have YOUR standards that you are responsible for only.

okay, the LONGEST comment in the history of the blogging world...

i'll stop now... *elizabeth

Elena said...

Dear Christina, I'm so sorry that your little guy is so sick. I will keep him in my prayers that God will heal him and there will be no further complications. I did have my daughter vaccinated. I did not know about the problems with vaccines, so I was doing what I thought was best. I wasn't real happy with having to give her shots every time we went for her check ups, but we were just trusting the Lord and doing what we felt was best. The Lord knows our hearts as parents and he knows that you are doing what you understand to be best and he will help you through all things.

Wendi said...

Such a sweet sweet post overflowing with love for two little guys. I get where you are at. I know all of those emotions. It's tough, but your love does shine throuh it all.
Thinking of you all and praying for improved health, good lab results, and a secure relationship for you and big mister.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Honestly, if the chicken pox caused this, the vaccinne may have done the same or worse. Don't beat yourself up--I felt the same way when my kids started showing symptoms for the pox (why oh why didn't I vax) and ironically, the one who child of mine who did get the vax was in the worst shape so again, you made the right choice.

Little Mister is going to be just fine--he will probably not even remember what happened.
I will say a pray he does not have something wrong with his immune system.


Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

You ARE such a wonderful, sweet mother who only wants the very best for your Misters. It's always so very hard to see them go through something like this, and easy to try to second-guess yourself.
Don't worry about your to-do list. :) Try to take it a little easier....yes, I know, much easier said than done, right? Praying for you!

Vixbil said...

Guilt as a mother is always with us. Over in the UK we don't have a vax for chicken pox and in fact if we know of any of our friends children have it we actually try to get it for our children too so that is over with as it is very unusual to get to grade school having not had it if that makes sense. Hope yo get some good sleep to recover from your hospital ordeal

Queen to my 3 Boys said...

Thinking of you and your little guy tonight. I'm glad he's home. Try to rest.

katrina said...

You have no reason to feal guilty. You and DW are very good parents. Satan wants you to feel guilty. Don't believe his lies. I hope you both can get some rest. My presence will make you feel better this weekend! HA!HA! See you soon. Love you guys.

Manuela said...

Poor little sweetie, at least you've got him back home.

I think that you made the right decision in the end. It's so hard when you're faced with so many choices. I always think back to when I was young and how little we were given and that we turned out just fine. God is watching over you and yours and prayer will always lead you in the right direction.

So, you're a Canadian (deep down inside?) I should have known :)

virginia said...

You are doing everything you know to do and can't feel guilty about things that are out of control.When Bubba had his seizure I felt so much guilt but I know now it wasn't my fault and I did everything I could to help him and I had to trust God with my kids every day.He is the only one that can always protect them.

Purple Teacup said...

Satan has a way of making us feel guilty about anything, especially when we have made the RIGHT decisions for our children......

In regards to food allergies and weak immune systems, check out Our whole family gets treated with this technique, it's amazing and there are no shots are pain....=)